1000 days...

1000 days. 
The reason I share my sobriety story so openly is because I am passionate about ending the stigma associated with addictions.
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Today, I very loudly celebrate 1000 days sober.  

What does sobriety mean to me?

• Finding my inner strength. 
• It means no more lying to myself, my family, my friends.
• Loving the person in the mirror.
• Remembering things I said or did the night before
• Waking up without shame, while trying to piece the night before together. 
• Peace
• Believing in myself (most of the time) for the first time ever
• Knowing that wherever I am and whatever happens, I am in control of my behavior and my choices.
• Being responsible, knowing that if I am needed anytime of day or night, I am capable of driving there.
• Looking at myself, my kids, my husband, friends, clients, and strangers in the eye with confidence and pride.
• Having the courage to push myself to do things I never thought I could do
• Setting goals so big and achieving them, blowing my own fucking mind!
• Empowerment
• Gratitude
• My clean date means everything to me.

In mid January 2018 I woke up with my last hangover. 

Not every night was a black out night, but I can honestly say towards the end of my addiction pretty much every night I was under the influence to the point that I couldn’t drive. I was not a reliable mom, wife, daughter, or friend. 

I started things but never finished them. 

Things such as workout programs and healthy eating.   
Because cardio/running is a wonderful thing to do to your body when it is dehydrated and hungover.
​(insert eye roll)

Diet programs. 
Yup I did fasting, and often broke the fast with a shot of tequila or vodka.  Very healthy, right? …

I started courses, books, meditating, crafting, a side business, etc.  Nothing ever lasted. I quit everything…

Except my drinking.  Until now.
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Not a day goes by that I don’t have a memory of before recovery. 

It brings back horrible, shameful memories of being drunk and trying to look sober.  The red patches on my face, trying to cover them up.  The alcohol on my breath, brushing my teeth over and over trying to hide the smell. 
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It fills me with the shame of secretly drinking and then that awful task of hiding my drunkenness. The pathetic attempt to talk, trying to sit up, walk, do LIFE normally. I spent so much time covering my tracks, hiding my secret, my ugly habit that made me sick, physically, mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually.... I was slowing killing the spirit inside of me.

​ONE GLASS OR MODERATION!?
Never.
For me, it was the 1 or 2 bottles and the thirst for more alcohol once that first sip had passed my lips that wild horses could not have been able to stop. Sneaking shots to get to the buzz, the numbness, the zoning out quicker. Then the broken sleep, nausea and crippling impact on mental health.

It’s one thing to have spent evenings of my life drinking wine and zoning out through an entire episode of Downton Abbey but I realize that I have been zoned out for some of the best bits of life. So many incredibly special occasions, (including my own wedding) that will never happen again.

It took a long time and many, many days of telling myself I wasn't going to drink to only turn around and fail by 5pm (wine o’clock). 
​In the end though I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I had finally had enough.  

​You do it until your done, and then you stop.

I love knowing that I will remember everything I did today.
I love knowing that I will not wake up full of anxiety because of things I may have said or done, but don't clearly remember ("never tell me anything important after 8pm" I would say).
I love knowing that there will be no apology texts, no awkward pretending my outrageous behavior was totally normal!
I love knowing that I'll be waking up to a beautiful morning tomorrow, hangover free…” 

​When I say my sober date means absolutely everything to me, it is not an exaggeration.
I take care of myself.
I am able to be a better mom, better wife, better human. 
​ I am present for life.

I have accomplished more with my life in 1000 days then I have in the 30+ years of addiction before. 

I have been so fortunate/blessed that during my early recovery days, I found a passion that fires me from the center of my being and I was able to take that passion and turn it into a business that allows me to help others make positive change their lives.  

​Every single day of my life I live in gratitude for my sobriety. 

For those who are newly sober, don't get frustrated with yourself and give up. This is a process and it takes time, and I can promise you that your life will immediately get better when you stop drinking. It won't be perfect because it's still life, but it is so much better.

I LOVE being sober, its like I am the person I always wanted to be.

My sober date is my birth date. 

The day I stopped drinking was the day I truly started living, and I am only getting started.